Embracing Me, Finally

“A spiritual awakening was taking place and showing its face as a psychological breakdown.“

Would you believe it if I told you that all mental disorder and illness is guidance? My own healing story has created this belief within when I look back to the last 3 years of my life, as well as the years leading up to my breakdown.

What is a breakdown. I mean… it truly is different for everyone. Mine was very much something to The Dark Night of The Soul. Here is Eckhart Tolle’s rendition of it.

So much of my OCD was just a manifestation of the wrong ways of living; fFalse beliefs. False beliefs survive when they are not healed. Healing takes place with self love, and the exploration of the roots to any dis-order; which is always an untruth; what is not aligned with our soul/higher self.

My own struggle with social anxiety disorders, the false beliefs created on assumptions and distortions within an imaginative and impressionable mind, the low self esteem which was spawned from this, and negatively charged addictive habits created within this, are just some pieces of life which brought me to desrie to learn about the human brain and its functional connection to energy. I have come to find that only a holistic approach to understanding one’s self is what will “cure” or heal and dis-order or dis-ease. Its within rediscovery. You are always guided to heal—there is no other way.

My Story

I didn’t know myself for a long time. I always felt different, not important, forgotten about, shy. Its so bizarre because I’ve also always been an optimistic and happy person. Always. So these parts of myself should have been evidence that they weren’t truth or even mine, right? They were created around moments in childhood (in school, particularly).

When I started making a conscious choice to stop change, I couldn’t. The patterns of self sabotage had been embedded in my brain (or so I thought), and I was clinging to those memories which I thought were me. I say memories because I now know that all habits stem from false beliefs, and all false beliefs are created within memories which seem to be skewed or not the entire truth of the reality of what was being presented to us at that time. There is always great purpose for everything. Everything is either guidance or a lesson—you will find.

My life was flooded with temporary aids of relief to feel “normal”. I drank an unusual amount (we will say), and the circumstances that brought me to this don’t even matter. What maters is seeing that habit for what it is; fed by false beliefs. A band-aids for negative cognitive behavior, negative feeling about myself due to allowing situations to have too much control over me, and lack of self love, where the strength in knowing you are all you need resides. I had created a slew of false beliefs even post childhood, but they all were extensions of a root belief. I didn’t know that the path to clarity was going within. The path to healing is always within.

Postpartum, I found myself experiencing horrific images and thoughts. I’m sure hormones has something to do with it, but I do now know it was a call for a shift.

I didn’t know what this was until a diagnosis, so I literally thought I was losing my mind. Prior to this, my mind was always one of filling empty space with noise, and filling my head with a constant need to stay busy. What I was doing was running away from myself. Me—the one who could heal me. The brain is amazing, isn’t it? The ego, though, is truly something’ else (that damn ego mind).

A few months into postpartum and suffering in silence from these horrible thoughts, I chose not to suffer in silence anymore. On came the diagnosis. I’m grateful for it, because it pointed me to what needed my undivited attention and healing. Within that diagnosis something sparked.

Anxiety, Pure O/OCD, and postpartum depression—they were all just letters combined to form words offering direction, and I didn’t become victim of these terms, by the grace of God. Optimism for better was present and felt very achievable.

Something within demanded that I don’t succumb to a diagnosis and I would be sure to never allow these words to define me. I started reading about cognitive behavior, and learned all about thought and habit on a chemical level.

That walk out of the falsehoods was something I needed to go through, but it was hellish. Some say the fall is the beginning of the rise, and this is exactly what occurred. SELF LOVE. I did therapy for a bit, but it did not work for me because with this disorder, you need a specialist.

I started dissolving the tarnished concepts of who I “should” be, and start standing empowered in who I was made to be.

Something happened at this point which I know was guided by determination, but also by forces unseen. The fact that therapy wasn’t working was a door opening for something else to walk into my life. A meditation studio and I crossed paths after a spiritual encounter in where the presence of a loved on who had passed was becoming very apparent. This love and guidance would be the pivotal point in my next chapter, and a piece to the puzzle of who I am.

The owner of this studio was a channel for Divine guidance. She taught me that love is what I need to look at. Love was the ke to dissolving all fear; the root of all disorder. She was right. I started noticing changes and shifts within myself as soon as I started a meditation practice, and deep self reflection. My first shift was to no longer worry about helping my husband heal (which was always my first priority),but help myself heal. Focus shifted.

I was not the least spiritual or religious, so this was such a shift, but a much needed one. I had always been drawn to mediums so it was actually fitting that who helped me heal was who I also was at the core. I started learning about quantum physics and energy; laws of attraction, the spiritual realm, and the truth about what existence is. What the science behind habit and thought taught me was nothing compared to the information ne needs to know about habits and thoughts on an energetic level. That perspective, that thought changes chemistry on an energetic level was all I needed to know that OCD doesn’t “subside” or go into being “dormant”. I can heal, not just go into recovery.

I became aware that something other than a mental breakdown was actually occurring. I can’t even tell you how much clarity came. My chaos was just energy. “My thoughts” were not even always my own. “Clinging” to cognitive habits had a whole new meaning, because when I started understanding quantum physics and myself as an energetic and spiritual being, I understood that energy is shift-able, changeable, and dissolvable. And guess who had the power to change it all. Me.

When you start understanding everything in life (everything) as energy, answers appear within the spiritual, when doctors all along where always pointing me to the mental or emotional, which only ever offered half of the explanation.

I started seeing 1111 EV-ERY-WHERE. It was a form of self love - to explore my truth, and with this - I started healing the intrusive thoughts within anxiety and OCD, too. All Source wants for us is self love.

I continued my spiritual practices which involved: positive affirmations, being mindful of intentions, practicing full moon release ceremonies, healing my inner child, drinking more water to be kinder to my body;my vessel, meditated, practiced clairvoyance (which I learned was a huge part of me as a spiritual being and life purpose), set boundaries for myself in being an empath, and really demanded more for myself. These are all forms of self love. When we explore all aspects of ourselves, we grow into who we were made to be.

I realized my world wasn’t crumbling, it was falling into place. I was stepping into a natural aspect of myself, and everything started making sense.

My breakdown was my breakthrough.

This new friend taught me that to live free is to be free of restrictive fear, and all it takes to get here is self-love. I started dreaming a new dream; one which would evolve me into my life purpose. With this new energy, the desire to help others get out of their burdens heightened exponentially.

Awaken

In rediscovering myself, I healed from the disorder of OCD, anxiety, and fear.

A spiritual awakening was taking place and showing it’s face as a psychological breakdown. I was releasing all the negativity I had been holding onto for the past 15+ years before the birth of my son. I had also stopped drinking which will place you through a detox on a spiritual, mental, and emotional level. Down that path, my mind opened to new realities and new lessons.

I healed from OCD, anxiety, and fear within self love. This happened in less than 2 years. I had a mind, body, spirit transformation. I became who I was always supposed to be. I was always guided to this—it’s just that I didn’t see. Whether I chose not to see, or I was oblivious, I do believe in Divine timing. I also know my son was Divine intervention. Divine intervention occurs every single day, and is available to everyone, but we have tp ask, and we have to surrender—consciously and subconsciously. We are all meant for peace, but once Divine steps in it is our responsibility to unlearn, grow, and heal. We are given an opportunity and we must follow through.

When I had taken a step to stop drinking, I wasn’t able to. Even with choice, my willpower (which is not the only way to change habits, by the way) wasn’t enough. I remember praying to God'; praying for strength, but that dis-ease was too strong at that point because I didn’t know my own strength. Had I been holding the energy of strength, I know I could have stopped. My husband and I decided to try for a baby and he cam within a month. He was my Godsend, and life took a turn from that point on.

I grow every day, and have a morning practice to clear my energy, enforce the concept of love in love out, and strive to be better. My spiritual practice is always evolving, and within my awakening I found my life purpose and stepped into it. I am in so much gratitude, everyday, for my fall. I am thankful for all of the heartache and lessons. And, I am honored to have been able to get to a place for this magical connection to my higher self.

I learned that we are here to learn and grow, to help ourselves unlearn and become, live our best life - because it’s our birthright.

But ultimately; I learned to take the lessons we find along the way and help others with this knowledge.

In essence, our life experiences are a part of a necessary puzzle piece in someone else’s life. We are all destined for magnificance in each lifetime.

I am blessed to have known these depths, and I am overcome with gratitude everyday for what I now see life as.