Facing My Darkness

I haven’t been too open with you. I haven’t exposed some truths, and merely due to believing that I was being of grace and empathy; to hold my experiences within was to prevent the fear others have from rising to the surface. That’s what I thought was “best” for me in the mindset of fear and “torment” (actually guidance) of my awakening. Within the experiences I have gone through within my “dark night of the soul”, I lived in a constant bombardment of negative energy, so i thought to not unveil its truths gave me strength, when it really just gave everything else power. Nothing is external, in fact, so what we fear we give power to.

But—isn’t that desire to keep others “safe”such a belief created in fear itself?

All emergence and transcendence is different, after all. What I have been doing is not allowing the truth to be seen so that the Light could shine in. We have to go in to get through it.

The thing is— when you’re engulfed in fear, you want everything to come to you gently and within a“tip toeing” approach, because your brain and body develops triggers. This is partially a chemical reaction, but thought actually changes chemistry, so it all starts with BELIEFS, really. I assumed everyone has the same thoughts of fear, which is furthest from fact because fear has many realities. It’s a scale within perceptions and beliefs. I would constantly be triggered by the words which fear had control over, and even though those fears have left a while back, my empathy for another’s state of mind took over full disclosure.

But now—in a time where fears need to be exposed, so one can transcend from their false beliefs, so one may grow, and heal, and thrive—I don’t want to even partake in doing a disservice to myself and others anymore.

I can’t not share in fear of others’ fears— what does that say about the need for control over the presuming, ego mind fear has…

So, still with grace, and also discernment; I wish to tell you a little bit about how I manifested my own darkness. How we all do.

If that word has already triggered you; “darkness”, then there’s a lesson in that. It’s guidance to what needs to be disillusioned within a false belief you carry.

My Manifested Darkness:

I remember facing a part of me which I had created. I unknowingly planted the seed, and that seed grew like a weed; it turned against me. It spread itself out into many areas of my life; many belief systems, and it strengthened within the energy I offered it; within believing what my ego told me about myself. I don’t know the initial thought which manifested this darkness, but I do know that at the core— it doesn’t matter. That belief dissolved on a conscious and subconscious level when it did.

It was after a Reiki session that I met it face to face. The practitioner said she saw something out of this world- a lower vibrational energy— some would say an entity. This was at a time of intense intrusive thoughts within my awakening; all negativity was coming my way, because I was choosing to free that negativity within. That’s when it came the strongest; when I was choosing to leave all parts which no longer served me, behind. “Entity” was just one term my body reacted to, and every time, it had the capacity to do something which felt like my heart was stopping.

I recall that days after this session, by ego was triggered. It became angry, wondering how this woman could just so blatantly say “you have an attachment- an entity saying you are his”. It had me wanting to look out for others. On a psychological and empathetic level, this actually makes sense, now. I had empathy and a false belief that I have to save everyone if I could; control, created by another, seperate false belief. That anger came from fear-based thinking, and a lack of trust in the process the Universe has created for us. I thought…”If she didn’t care about my own state of mind, would she ever if someone else with fear-driven thoughts came in?” The funny thing is that even though my ego became angry days later, my heart was actually “okay” right in that moment. I think deep down inside I must have known that this was needed; that it was time.

I assured the Reiki practitioner that I would be alright, and I think I even responded with; “oh, yeah, I know”- like it was no big deal that I was carrying around something so toxic.

As I drove home, I knew it was being presented for a reason. A release was necessary. I had created a spiritual practice, prayers and mantras around releasing FEAR, so of course this was going to come up. Was it ready to go? Was Divine timing at play? Maybe both.

So as I drove home, I saw it. I don’t think I even made a conscious choice to do this, but as i was thinking about it, it showed itself to me. I looked at that evil, presenting itself exactly as my ego-mind assumed evil would look like; very satanic-esk. But I wasn’t fearful or even triggered. In my mind’s eye, I saw it there, kneeling on the ground of a white, open space, made of some soft matter. In these moment to come, so many clear knowings arose— the type you know are truth as surely as I knew my name was Aneta.

What came over me while looking at it was sadness for it. I cared for this part on a subconscious level. I had done so since the day the false belief planted that seed. In that moment of sadness, that is when I thought that either it was an attachment which I manifested by laws of atttraction, or my own manifestation. It felt less of an attachment, though, because can I truly have such love and empathy for something which wasn’t of me? As I cried for it, it began to cry. As I felt the knowing that it was time to part ways, and it’s death/transformation was apparent, it felt it too. It wasn’t angry, like we assume evil always is, it wasn’t trying to instill fear, even. It was sorrowful and surrendering. It was pained that our connection was about to end. It knew that its belief that it was loved by the energy I unintentionally gave it all of those years, was ending.

But, it had also been exposed, and I felt for it for that, too. It was a very present truth between us both that it was the type of exposure which creates a demise.

It was the most surreal moment I’ve ever experienced with any “evil”.

As I said, “I love you, and I’m sorry to let you go”, it understood, had me feel its desire to only be loved, and it let go. It disintegrated into fragments of light-filled dust. I knew it had been transmuted back into what it fell from, and what everything comes from; love.

The moments of my life which were inflicted and which grew this part, were also supported by this part. It cared for me because it tried to protect me- even if it was with deceit. It was a strange relationship, but one the mind has with all false beliefs, though. I cried the entire way home.

I also felt exactly what it was in that moment; it was fear itself; fallen from love. It resided within me and fed off my attention and energy. It did this because that’s how IT felt loved, and I was so open to supporting it for so long. I gave it that love, unknowingly.

Separate from my internal and personal lesson about myself, it was an unmasking of what fear, or any negative energy really is. It was the greatest truth which resides in anything which has fallen from love; a false belief, pain, anger, judgment, hate, separation or illusion, manifested by you or demised and attached; is that every thing in this world is only ever wanting to be loved.